This week in the study I an currently doing we have been studying about getting past your devastation with God. I was initially thinking, well, I have never really had anything that horrible happen to me. But as I began to think of the things that cause distrust in my heart towards God at times, I was completely humbled at what was laid bare in my heart. Every time I go to work I am surrounded by the most precious children, most of which are walking through devastating treatment for cancer. I see little children that spend their days in one room...day after day, these children that should be outside running around are lying in a hospital bed. I see teenagers, trying to make sense of this new diagnosis...me, cancer, but I was supposed to play basketball in college, i'm going to miss my senior prom and possibly my graduation. I see doctors and nurses that are speechless, no answers to these heart broken parents. My ears are always sensitive to the sounds of monitors beeping, children crying, alarms going off.
My heart at times is angry...Lord, why? Why do "these" children have this horrible disease? Why did the cancer come back after all that treatment? They had their whole life ahead of them! Then my questions usually turn to "how." How can I make all this sadness better? How can I encourage these dear parents as they face this horrific, life changing news? How can I trust you, Lord, when I see all this pain?
There are times that I allow a wall up in my relationship with the Lord. I see this suffering, dying, discouraging news, and sadness all around and I cannot reconcile this with the loving, faithful God that I have always known since my childhood.
As I have been pouring out my heart to the Lord this week, the anger and fear that occasionally creeps up, has subsided, as He has begun to pour out immeasurable amounts of grace and surround me with his unconditional love.
As I have been studying 2 Samuel 6, I have seen and remembered the God I know! In this passage, David has become King and he has a strong desire to bring the ark of the covenant back to the city. God's presence dwelled in the ark and this was remarkable symbolism of the heart of David to bring God's presence to dwell with them again. They were celebrating and dancing and then, something devastating happens. The ark begins to fall off the cart and Uzzuh reaches out to steady it. He dies. It then it says in verse 8, "David was angry because of the Lord's wrath." David, the man after God's own heart, was angry at God for pouring out His wrath. Then in verse 9, it says, "David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, "How can the ark of the Lord ever come to me?" Again, this man after God's own heart, was afraid and fearful. The passage continues, and David leaves the ark at the house of Obed-Edom for three months. Then David hears that the house of Obed-Edom is flourishing... God is pouring out His blessing and favor on them. David then remembers his faithful God and returns to bring the ark back once more.
I just think that is awesome... First of all that David, after the death of Uzzah, was angry and fearful... This man that we esteem was on our level...he had the same feelings we feel at times. He asked the same questions we ask sometimes. He had to leave the ark for three months to work through this devastation. But then, seeing how our faithful God reminds us of his goodness, kindness, mercy, and grace. He showed David that he was still there. He was still working out a plan.
So, back to my adorable little patients at CHKD...
God has a bigger plan... Most of the time I cannot see that plan. But I was reminded this morning that He is working. He has not left these families in their devastation. He will bring them out and their will be dancing and celebrating. Sometimes it is not how we think it should be, but God knows best. He sees all, knows all and now I must trust Him...with all that I am and all that I have because He has always been faithful to me.
I want to be like David. Though I work through my human emotions, I want to always stay close to the God I love. "A bruised heart that chooses to beat with passion for God amid pulsing pain and confusion may just be the most precious offering placed on the divine alter."
This question in the study truly helped my heart to remember who I love...
"What about you, Beloved? What have you found at Jesus' side that distancing yourself from Him at a time of devastation could jeopardize?
What was my answer??
I have found Him to be my Lover, my closest friend, my confidant, my life-giver, my strength, my salvation, my guide, my joy, and my song and so much more! He is my everything!