Monday, May 28, 2012

2 years, a mama heart, & perspective

This time 2 years ago, I was pushing...  and in just 2 short hours I would hold my blonde-haired, blue-eyed, 5lb 10 oz bundle of love.  It surely was a taste of heaven.  But today, I found myself sitting in the pod at work talking with a mom of one of my patients.  Her son is dying... his pain is almost unbearable and she said she feels numb.  We cried. I tried to be strong; but ever since that first time I held my son, I have a mama heart.  And that mama heart broke as I watched this mom with her 18 year old son...

I guess this is strange way to start out a "birthday post" for my boy.  But perspective is a gift... and today brought much of that.  I have been given a gift and I am grateful.

It is so easy to get caught up in if our children are meeting their milestones, or sharing, or eating healthy... are they sleeping through the night, do they still have a paci, and are they really biting the kids in the gym?!?  Of coarse we care about these things... but sometimes, I just stop and think of where we could be.  Again, grateful for this gift.

I never knew in those first few moments of being a mama, it would change me forever.  I love that I can kiss boo-boos and they are all of a sudden healed... I love that my boy reaches up to grab my hand to jump off the sidewalk because he trusts me... and I love our snuggle time before bed because he knows mama is always going to be there.  I want to pour my life into my precious child, and I thank God for the strength to wake up each day with new mercies!  Fresh perspective is such a blessing...

About 2 months ago I was the bedside nurse of one very special 4 year old boy... He was previously so full of life. He loved to dance, play, and make all the doctors and nurses laugh.  He was adorable! Cancer stole his life, but not until the very end. He began to take a turn for the worst... we believed it would be days if not weeks before he passed.  That Saturday was like any other, I saw my name assigned to that little guy and I smiled.  I always loved having him, even at the end.  After my morning assessment, something just didn't seem right.  He was scared, staring at the light, and wanting someone near to him... I was trying to manage his pain, comfort mom, and care for my sweet patient.  As the minutes passed, I knew we didn't have much longer.  At 11:00 that day I watched as our sweet patient passed into the arms of Jesus.  But the part that has forever gripped my heart was when I told his mom, "This is it, hold your baby boy."  As the words tumbled out of my mouth I literally thought I was going to pass out.  I wanted to do whatever I could to give her one last second with her baby... My heart was pounding... I wanted to run out of the room and go straight to get Barrett.  My friend grabbed my hand and whispered, "just be strong right now."  I fought back the tears as we watched mom throw herself onto her son and yell his name.  Oh, the pain that she must have felt...  I know the pain I felt, and yet it was her son.  Her son was no longer suffering, but her son was no longer with her...

I have asked the Lord, "Why would you take this child?"  We will never know the mysteries of the Almighty, but I know that God is working for good... even amidst immense suffering... His presence was there.  There were so many little details about that day and that boy's life and death that have changed me... as a nurse, as mom, as a person.

That night, after work, I came home to my own little boy... happy, talkative, and full of life.  All I could do was whisper, "Thank you God for my son.  Thank you God for my son."  He looked at me later that night and said, "night night in mommy's bed?"  Of coarse I said, "Sure!"  I needed that little boy to be near to me that night.  I needed to hear his slow steady snore throughout the night.  I needed to feel his cheek against mine.  I needed to feel the warmth of his little body snuggled up in between Ray and I.

Of coarse I have to separate myself from my patients and to keep professional boundaries, but I will always have a mama heart.  I will always be devastated at the passing of one of our patients. And I will always come home more grateful for the time that I get to be with my precious son.  It is a gift.

So tonight, I am staying up until the clock strikes midnight... just to be sentimental and to reminisce about 2 years ago.  It seems like he has always been a part of our life, and then again I can remember it all like yesterday.  It was a day that changed my life... forever.... for the good.

Ever night I sing "Jesus Loves Me" to Barrett while we rock.  Tonight as we rocked and I sang... these words went deep into my heart...
"Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak, 
But He is strong."

I have to remind myself everyday that Barrett belongs to Jesus.  Barrett is weak.  This mommy is weak. But Jesus is strong!  Simple truth, big perspective!

Happy Birthday Bear Bear,
You are 2!!  Yeah!!  You bring so much joy to mommy and daddy's life!
You make us laugh so much!  I love watching you have fun with your friends and
play!  I love watching you play ball.  You love sports so much and I am
sure you will be a famous sports star someday! :)  I love that you enjoy 
reading your books and how you say, "AMEN!" at the end!  I love when 
you wear your headphones and dance around the living room!  I love 
how you LOVE your family and say their names ALL the time!  I love that
you like the outdoors and always want to go outside!  I love that you love
gum and candy!  I love when you say, "Annoying!"  I love so many things 
about you... but most of all I love your heart... its gentle and kind, sweet and
funny, loving and happy!  I don't think my love for you can grow anymore... 
You are our world!  Grateful for these 2 wonderful years with you, but 
excited for many more years with you!  XOXO Mommy <3 

happy 2nd birthday barrett boy!!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

moving on the mind....

"I can walk through the storm
I can walk by faith when my sight is gone
Just as long as you are here with me
And I can gain everything
But what do I have if I don't have the key
Oh I need to know youre here with me

Here I am calling out Father
Can you hear me, can you hear me
I don't want to go without you
Here I am can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You, I want to hear You
I don't want to move without You

Even though I believe 
You've taken up a home inside me 
And you'll never leave
I still need to know You'll never leave

Here I am calling out Father
Can you hear me, can you hear me
I don't want to go without you
Here I am can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You, I want to hear You
I don't want to move without You

If Your presence goes I don't want to stay
If Your presence stays I don't want to go
If Your presence goes I don't want to stay
If Your presence stays I don't want to go
I need You

song by Shane & Shane

Exodus 13:21
"By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night."

this is what i am thinking about these days...


Never thought I would be moving a few years into our marriage... and if the thought did cross my mind, I never would have guessed Texas!  I am already greatly prepared with my cowgirl boots right from the great state!  haha!  I used to hate the twists and turns that were part of life... now, I rather like them!  I love the thought of starting a new adventure with our little family.  BUT, there seems to be an overwhelming list of things to do!!

Feeling the waters of stress swelling up over me...I pulled into the driveway a few minutes ago, grabbed my hot, sweaty, sleeping boy from the back seat and put him safely in his crib... The list of things is multiplying... how are we ever going to get everything in order to GO.  That is when the sweet presence of God came... the Holy Spirit so sweetly reminded me that when God calls you, HE equips you!  He already knows that we will be provided for; He already knows if we will sell or rent our house; He already knows WHO will rent or buy our house; He already knows the perfect job for me in Dallas; He already knows the new friends that are waiting for us; He knows ALL the DETAILS!  

Instead of allowing the tears to flow, or the stress to open wide the door for fear, I see Jesus, who IS FOR US!  I see my King calling me, calling us, to so much more!  But, I don't want to go without Jesus.  I don't want to move with You, Lord!

Matthew 28:16-20  Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

"For me to live is Christ and to die is gain."   

But with the overwhelmed feeling comes the heart-racing excitement of the unknown!  We are truly excited... and ready!  God has been preparing us... and we feel him with us!  He is steadying our hands; He is keeping our feet secure; He is giving us joy in the morning; Our God is faithful! 


In other news, Barrett turns 2 this month!  I am still in shock... my little bear bear is not so little anymore.  He is talking up a storm (not that we understand it all, but he still tries to get his point across).  He is running fast, with his "fast shoes" (he call his tennis shoes).  AND He also FINALLY got a real haircut!  Homeboy's hair was out of control!

Easter came and went... 
We opted for whatever was in the closet this year and never even bought a new outfit.
I thought he was still handsome as could be :)
And, my azaleas are blooming and beautiful!

Ray and I got to sneak away to OBX for  few days for my birthday!  
It was so nice to just be away and spend quality time together!
We did alot of laughing and shopping and just being together :)
And... GiGi got to have her first sleep over with Barrett!

I LOVED this adorable restaurant in Kill Devil Hills, Colington Cafe... Yum!

I did get to relax a little...

But there is still nothing like coming home to this face! 

B has been trying to "help" alot more.... I think he is just bored and wants our
attention. :)  These times of "helping" usually end up in a huge mess, 
and a sweet memory!

And there really aren't words for these 2...
definitely best buds :) 

Wagon rides have become an almost daily activity...
This boy LOVES the outside!

We have also been blessed to have a very special friend living with us the past 3 months...
Amanda has been such a wonderful blessing to our family... not only is she a HUGE help,
but she is a dear friend!  I love her laugh and her honesty! 
I love having someone to eat dinner with on softball nights!
I love how she chases Barrett around the house!
I love how she keeps my laundry going when I drop the ball!
We will not know what to do without our Meema!!

We all left for Betsy & Patrick's graduation 2 weeks ago! 
We headed to Cleveland, TN to celebrate their accomplishments!
It was a VERY sweet family time!
I am overwhelmingly proud of my sis!

And it always does my heart good to be surrounded by mountains for a few days!

Proverbs 19:21 
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.