laying in bed, post night shift fog laying heavily across my eyes, but hearing the pitter patter of little feet outside my bedroom door. coaching myself on the need to get up... so many things to get done before my next round of night shifts come along. then i heard the swish of the little plastic basketball and the cheers of daddy, and then, "give me a high-five dad, i made it!"
i wanted so badly to get out of bed, to go take B to the park, to sit and talk with my hubby and actually feel awake... but i was exhausted. the kind of exhaustion that you can't shake, that coffee will not cure. only the sound of little feet could have gotten this worn mommy out of bed. i laid there just a few minutes longer, thinking, pondering, wondering what the future holds. will there be continued grace for me to do this? grace has met me daily since we moved here... i have felt the peace and presence of God in every decision and i have seen His beautiful favor with my job.
i merged from my little cave under the covers, my hair looking as though a bird had nested in it, and my heart heavy with emotion. i sat on the couch and trying to get out something so that my dear husband wasn't blind-sided my emotionally breakdown. barrett came over and kissed me, like he does whenever i finally get up for the day, and he said, "you miss me, mommy?" well, that pretty much did it. the tears started flowing... my boys can be very tender-hearted when they want to... and they were. they held me, kissed me, encouraged me, and prayed for me. i did not feel instantaneous deliverance from the heaviness and exhaustion, but i felt cared for and loved and i felt a glimmer of grace returning to me.
last week was hard. i did not want to work full time anymore. i did not want to work night shifts anymore. i wanted to stay home with my boy, do crafts, make awesome dinners, and have a clean house... i would choose to stay home with 10 crying babies then have to have to go to work last week... but as i pressed in to hear God in those moments of desperation, i quickly realized that He is in control. it's simple, but He is. He holds my future, our finances, our plans, our jobs, etc. my eyes were on myself and that brought overwhelming emotion. i can not keep doing this, Lord... but He sweetly said, "I can."
this week has proved to be much better. my heart a little more stable. my eyes much more fixed. my goals, plans, and future placed once again where they belong, in the hands of my Father. He is constant and i need that. He is peace and i surely needed that.
rivers of refreshment came. peaces that passes all understanding is ruling now. grace to get up, to be the best wife, mom, sister, friend, daughter, and nurse that i can be does not sound so overwhelming now... because my eyes are on Him. resting in Him, listening to His voice, and just taking it one day at time.
